This person, mind, work environment, attitude doesn't feel like it's from the same planet, let alone the same skin, as a week ago!
Last Friday night I'd got to the end of my patience with fractious personalities and told the accountant he needed to start looking for someone to replace me then I spent all weekend recuperating from the frustration and disappointment. My back was really sore, my shoulder was tense and my mind was verging on troubled but by Sunday afternoon, I was ready to face it all again. I told myself that a) this was clearly a lesson in 'toughening up' and b) just get through each day, which inevitably will lead to weeks, then the end of the project.
So I got to work on Monday where it was frosty outside and in but I felt so much better and cheerfully resumed where I'd left off. We had some breakthroughs during the week so that by Friday I was starting to feel the bliss I'm used to when doing what feels right and good. There are a few things that might have contributed to this turn around...finding out I couldn't be replaced (appealing to my ego), the payroll software finally working (appealing to my inner geek), others around me having a worse time than me for a change (appealing to my need to feel and show compassion), people finally treating me like part of the team (my need for acceptance) or it might have just been the new magnesium pills - whatever it was, there was no more mention of my leaving and I happily had my head down all week making huge progress.
I have to admit this riding the wave of adversity gig is all new for me.
My pattern in the past has always been toward flight rather than to sit it out and see what happens but having my dear friend Jim staying for the week was so helpful. Someone who knows me well, believes in me and my abilities, has no connection to (or fascination btw for) my work and despite how much flying around the world he does, two feet firmly planted on whatever surface happens to be beneath him at the time.
After relaying the extremes of being a happy hermit with 27 hours in every day to fill with creativity, to a frantic maniac with 27 seconds to eat if it personally presents itself at my desk, he said a few magic words that knocked me sideways with their perfect timing...
"It sounds like you just need to find the middle way..."
So the Middle Way has become my daily destination of choice.
It's not flashy but it's functional and I think this perfectly describes where I've got to in my life.
My ego has come to terms with not 'being somebody' and my obsessive compulsive side is happy that it gets to put its 'efficient' tendencies toward work each day. And rather than feeling irresponsible for having overcome all that I have and not sharing the techniques with the world in the hope that even one person might choose life , I'm seeing that it's OK to just focus on keeping my own backyard in order.
Suicidal Depression can make one narcissistic but that's because everyday you're having to focus on just yourself, doing whatever it takes to survive through the day. So this left over narcissism combined with not feeling worthy of anyone's love meant I'd largely kept to myself for most of my life. This past year has shown me how much people genuinely care about me so my backyard has grown to include them. One of the biggest pleasures I'm getting from being monied again is being able to ring them regularly, buy treats or occasionally slip a sneaky little something into their bank accounts.
This support and loyalty has had a profound effect on me, my view of myself and those around me and of all the wonderful things I've learnt, the change of attitude and love and commitment toward these people has been the most important.
I can't thank you enough for being silently in the background each day while I tried to make sense of everything that was happening (or not happening). You might not have said anything but knowing you were there was enough and kept me focused.
As well as my dear friends and family who kept in close contact, fed and financed me through this period, I want to give special thanks to Norma, Nalan and Brenda for sending me such encouraging comments that I dined on for weeks.
Love to you and yours and thanks again...
Pimp My Attitude
This is where I think out loud as I transform my appearance, thought processes and most of all, attitude - no matter how unpretty.