Thursday is always D Day for the elusive $90 for my rent.
I don't stress about it but I can never relax until I know I have it.
My generous dear friend Shelley has been putting $15 in my account for the past month. She intends it for food of course but this week she gave me $25 so $5 went toward my weekly phone top up and $20 toward my rent, which meant only finding $70.
This week, I just couldn't ask my Father again. In fact, I couldn't ask any of my nearests and dearests because they've all been so giving so, in desperation, I made a sign, saved it as 'Risk#1' pulled out my last few business cards, layered myself with every warm thing I could then set off to go beg.
The decision where to go was easy.
Having a rampant imagination and knowing that I look far from poor, the thought of becoming the next "Look At This Loser" Youtube sensation (even if what I was wearing could be loosely spun as Homeless Couture) made me feel nauseous so anywhere near the swarm of commuters rushing home was not where I wanted to be!
The waterfront has always been my place of peace and grounding so it felt like the only place safe enough to be that vulnerable.
As I walked along I said to myself "Just do it for 8 minutes (steps) this time then next time you might be able to get to 15". I wasn't sure where to stop and I hadn't figured in how quickly it gets dark and there weren't as many people as I expected so I was fast losing the minutiae of confidence I had.
The Hikitea is a small ship slash floating crane that does maritime work around the ports of Wellington. It's always docked on the corner by Te Papa and I'm quite fond of it because my brother used to work on it so I gave myself till the Hikitea to make up my mind. I then remembered that my brother was now home from his rig job in Oman and wondered if he might be able to lend me $70. I remember saying to myself "I wonder if Paul could save me?" (from begging). He's always been outrageously generous to me but I stopped asking for any form of help the minute he met his now wife and became a family man. But I also knew he'd be horrified if he found out I was about to beg so I walked past the Hikitea, sat on one of the many seats and called him.
He answered and straight away I got the sense he was really tired. We chatted for ages (for us) but in the end, I just couldn't do it. After saying I love yous and goodbyes, and it now being too dark for anyone to read my sign from a distance, I rang my Dad and with shaky voice, asked if I could borrow $70 this week. Of course he said yes.
With relief but still feeling vulnerable, I gathered some stones then put them around the edge of the sign which I left on the seat where I'd been sitting and after putting the few business cards on top I walked away.
I've always given what I can and engaged with Street Brokers but now I had a new appreciation for just how hard it was to even be there. Small things like do you stand or sit? Do you look people in the eye as they walk past, possibly making them uncomfortable or is that the only way they'll feel compelled to give? What if one stops to talk to you? How do you explain your situation? What if one was to offer you a job?! And the most awkward scenario - what if someone recognises you? Not to mention being cold and hungry, which I'd now become. Even though I barely scratched the surface, I was suddenly really thankful that I'd been through this experience and somehow felt like a better person for it.
The next day I had just got up when I got a call from my gorgeous colleague and friend Adrianne to see if she could put me forward for an accounts role in a film.
Suddenly I came over all deja vu.
I'd been through this situation before.
I'd gone right up to the cliff edge of desperation then, in a moment of clarity, stepped back from it only to be rewarded soon after. It's almost like forcing the Universes hand.
And you know how I say "When it's right, it just gets righter!"
When I got more information later in the morning, I saw that the accountant was a guy I'd worked with briefly on The Hobbit and we really liked each other and he said as much to Adrianne.
I'm not sure that my future's looking bright enough to take off my sunglasses just yet, but this is a new piece of information that will make asking my Father for $90 next week slightly less painful.
Pimp My Attitude
This is where I think out loud as I transform my appearance, thought processes and most of all, attitude - no matter how unpretty.