Over the years I'd struggled with accepting my body so, on top of depression, the OCD and my upbringing, I had multiple body dysmorphic addictions I had to work through too.
Sores. Scars. Small breasts. Puffy knees. No ankles. Crooked nose. Crooked teeth. (Fortunately the latter two lined up perfectly ;-)
They don't sound much to anyone else but they justified the Ugly label I'd been given and were all I could see when I looked at myself in the mirror. In fact, I saw and thought of myself as the Elephant Woman for many years.
I know that seems hard to imagine now but the plus side of not being classically attractive is that it seemed to serve as protection from predators as a child and my loss of innocence was able to happen in a natural way that I had control over.
When I finished at The Hobbit I was 65kgs but most of it was from access to an abundant supply of chocolate. At my thinnest during this most recent period of financial lack as well as appetite inhibiting medication, I was only 53kgs and my bones seemed to catch on doors and benches and furniture and people found it uncomfortable to hug me, often commenting on my boniness. I've always been slim - I put it down to being told to 'go and play outside' as kids and even when I do put on weight, being tall, it's always just blended in rather than protruding out like those with shorter frames experience. But I was surprised to find that 53kgs was too slim. I wasn't comfortable at all and I'd lost my beloved butt. It was like a balloon that had been popped and I wrote "My butt is an inconsolable ice-cream sliding down the back of my legs". When I was growing up dealing with the Ugly stick, I'd always said to myself 'Oh well - at least I have my butt!' and I admit that it's recent deflation did take some of my mojo with it.
With the delicious and sustaining food that Meliors and Julie have been feeding me, I went up to just under 60kgs and guess what?! I liked it. I love having a (relative to me) fuller figure. When I look in the mirror, I don't see the fullness of my facial features, the pouff of my stomach, my thicker thighs or the rounding of my hips. Instead all I see is the femininity of my upper body (just like the differences in the images above), and I got my butt back! Even when I'm walking, I love feeling the substance of my thighs and I suspect the padding is helping my arm feel better too. What's most reassuring is that the food I've been fed is mostly organic and super wholesome so, if this is how my body is reacting, why would I see it as a problem to be managed?
For the first time in my life I feel feminine. Not in a BFFs-painting-each-others-nails way but in a rubinesque-pioneer-woman way. Because of my fortunate metabolism I'll never be overweight and I feel deeply for those who struggle with any form of weight issues (be it over or under) but I'm just so happy to be free of the burden of feeling like I have to be any other way but the way I am on any given day.
Side note: As I hit publish, a thought crossed my mind...how much of this newfound appreciation of my filled out body is due to having no influence from the media? I've been social media, Google and tabloid free for over six months now and I'd be curious to know if that's having a subconscious effect?
Pimp My Attitude
This is where I think out loud as I transform my appearance, thought processes and most of all, attitude - no matter how unpretty.