You would think that after overcoming addictions to drugs, alcohol, gambling, dermatilomania (picking), body dysmorphia and, most of all, depression, that I would be making the most of the freedom. I'm an OK writer and speaker, I'm not shy of crowds or camera's and I really really want to help people but I've discovered I have one more addiction and it's more debilitating than all the others put together. I'm addicted to biding time.
To be more specific - biding time until IT happens.
I have no idea but in my mind, it's when the rest of my life will truly begin.
Some might call it procrastination but the very nature of procrastination is avoiding doing something that needs to be done. I don't do that. I spend all day doing things that need to be done, I'm the Queen of taking care of business.
I'm good at lots of things but not exceptional at anything. I have no education and because I didn't stay at school, I never learned how to learn. I take courses but they're usually only a few days long because my attention span isn't so great and I get bored easily. I'll fully immerse myself in something until the novelty wears off then I move on. And because I have such a problem with retention, I then forget everything that I did learn.
So here's the irony.
If IT did happen - like an editor wanting me to write my story or someone inviting me to speak at an event that lead on to other speaking opportunities, or an agency seeing something contract-worthy in me - I would probably get bored and want to move on anyway. And because I know this, I just carry on taking care of business.
And the worst part about perpetually waiting (which can appear as being aimless and lacking motivation) is that others sense it and avoid me. People love being around engaged, progressive people and because I'm always happy and positive, people initially think I'm 'someone' then when they realise I'm not going anywhere, really fast, they move on. Really fast.
I've been this way all my life but it was easier to function before I based my life around contract work that I absolutely love because if I got bored with a job, I would just get another one. But with contract work, I always feel in limbo waiting for the next call and this feels like it's enabling my waiting addiction.
I've tried everything including coming to terms with just settling in to existing but when I try, I get restless. There's something deep inside me that reminds me that there are millions of people suffering and I haven't been through and overcome all that I have to keep that to myself and just work to live.
I do have a personality and presence and stories that people are attracted to, albeit temporarily, and I'm not scared of giving something a go so, as I keep asking myself, is this really about faith? Do I just have to continue to believe in the breakthrough I've felt coming all my life and remain on high alert, planting seeds everyday from my keyboard, convinced I'll get the chance I've dreamed about to help people or am I deluded?
I don't have an answer but in the meantime I'll carry on doing my housework, keeping my ironing up to date, uploading to Instagram and watching movies until something breaks. And judging by my bank account, that could be very soon...
Pimp My Attitude
This is where I think out loud as I transform my appearance, thought processes and most of all, attitude - no matter how unpretty.