In the last nine months, I've checked the job ads every day but each time there has been that sense of a reverse bungy - that even just clicking on one to read further is pulling me away from something else. That bungy drags me back to my bed, or the couch - not because I'm lazy or depressed but because that's usually where my pen and journals are. I write and write then get a cup of tea, fill up my hot water bottle and write some more. I bathe, eat and sleep in my journal, often not turning off the light until well after midnight.
What do I write about?
Un-judged free thought that takes me to depths of exploration where I lose all sense of my self, often taking me hours to write back to the surface.
Writing is what I'm drawn to do. Have always done.
In fact, it's the only thing that has been a constant in my signpostless, uneducated, drifting life.
As always, there is a point to this back story...
Sometimes I feel the need to fuel up with external stimulation. I have more movies, tv shows and music than I know what to do with but I always have the same books. I call them my reference books because every few years, when I feel the urge to forage, they always feed me and set me off in directions I hadn't noticed before.
In one of these books, "SQ - The Ultimate Intelligence" by Danah Zohar and Ian Marshall, an excerpt I've dined out on a few times jumped out again.
Using our SQ stretches the human imagination. It means transforming our consciousness. It means discovering deeper layers of ourselves than we are used to living. It requires us to find some grounding in the self for meaning that transcends the self.
When I first read this my chest wanted to explode. Could this be the permission I didn't know I needed to dive deeper - as deep as my limited sight could take me? I almost had the sense of needing to look over my shoulder to see who might be wagging their finger or shaking their head. As I re-read it, I realised they were not only encouraging me but alluding to my sights ability to adjust in order to go deeper still.
Then, if I needed any more proof or encouragement, of the six paths toward greater spiritual intelligence, I found Path 4: The Path of Personal Transformation. This is when my chest finally gave way, tumbling into a sea of tears. There were words, on a page, for anyone to read, that were saying this thing I had been doing quietly in secret was a thing, that it wasn't self indulgence and that it could have structure and purpose, and most importantly, that it could benefit others.
The last paragraph of this chapter changed my life forever...
The most spiritually intelligent of all journeys on this path is the journey to the centre. It is a journey of incredible terror requiring remarkable faith. And it requires a willingness that the ego might be sacrificed, that nothing of it might be left but the treasure that one finds in the healing that it might bring to others. This in turn requires overcoming the deepest of all conflicts, the fear of death.
I've been meticulously researching my ego for over 10 years now and even if I won't know if it's under control until it feels the lure of attention, I feel like we understand each other.
I don't fear death - one of the rewards that comes from laying one's life at its doorstep.
And lastly, ever since I was six years old and became aware of my self and the voices within, all I've ever been driven to do is help people. I've wailed and sobbed at the frustration of the overwhelming mass of compassion, trapped inside with nowhere to go.
Danah Zohar drew back the curtains and opened the window and Caroline Myss Ph.D has taken my hand and is leading me over the threashold.
I now see that Ground Zero was never the bottom, it was, in fact, the beginning and every word I read, write or speak is a step out and up. I've found my workplace and have faith in the numerous mentors that are always available to me. So, two days ago I committed to sharing this path of Self Transformation that has already guided me from the darkness of addictions, self loathing and suicide to the brilliance, warmth and comfort of love and respect for my self and everyone else.
Only 24 hours later, I had $2,700 in my bank account and these poignant words of advice from Jiro Ono...
Once you decide on your occupation, you must immerse yourself in your work
You have to fall in love with your work
Never complain about your job
You must dedicate your life to mastering your skill
After such a heady time of discoveries, I touched base with this song and this timeless Zen proverb to keep ego in its place...
I may have found the keys to the Matrix but, in the meantime, those dishes aren't going to do themselves...
Pimp My Attitude
This is where I think out loud as I transform my appearance, thought processes and most of all, attitude - no matter how unpretty.