Just when I think I'm being as honest as my conscience and heart will let me, I read Dooce.
Little Leta is so gorgeous my heart almost went into seizures just scrolling over the pictures because she's almost the age my daughter was when I left my family.
I had near fatal suicidal depression and hardly remember anything of my daughters early years. Lights on, no-one home.
I functioned as the person everyone called me but my brain/emotions were doing time in solitary confinement.
On The Night, I had the pills and glass of water beside the bed. My husband had left for night shift, the children were asleep. I had learnt a lot from the last time and had it all planned...take the pills and go to sleep. He would arrive home in the morning just as the children were waking and...whatever.
Earlier a friend came around and hard worded me "So? What are you going to do about it?".
(IT being depression) then left in disgust when I shrugged "idunno".
Luckily I have a spiritual army on the 'other side' looking after me and after she left there was a tangible parting of the cotton wool feeling clouds that was my brain and a voice said "Your children need you!"
I can still hear that voice to this day.
I went to bed, had an unpilled nights sleep and the next morning told my husband I needed to leave, for everyones sake. He wrote in a card "I would rather have an alive best friend than a dead wife" and let me go gracefully.
When they say It must have been really hard leaving your children, my answer has always been It wasn't hard at all - If it had been hard, I know I would have been doing the wrong thing.
Thanks Heather B.
It took me a long time to realise that I took drugs and drank alcohol to bring on being emotionally moved by somethinganything - to experience passion. And in a 3 minute read of this blog, I was moved in the way only being-under-the-influence could move me in the past.
It's now 11 years since I 'left the family' and being confronted with images of children, and what I chose to forfeit, still takes my breath and chokes my heart but I have no regrets. Leaving was the most courageous and right thing I have ever done and gave me the saying that I live by 'When you do what's right for you, you're doing what's right for everyone around you'.
My children have watched me grow up and maybe that's why, even though they're teenagers now, we're all still so in love with each other...
Sheesh, that must've been hard. It's just not a socially acceptable thing for a mother to do is it? You were very brave.
Oh baby you move me to tears with your raw honest courage. I'm so glad, so very glad you made the choice to live. And keep making the choice to live with increasing integrity.
Courageous and somewhere beyond...a strength of character to express with such openess and intensity...from all those you have touched, a precious thanks for being you...RTN
Pimp My Attitude
This is where I think out loud as I transform my appearance, thought processes and most of all, attitude - no matter how unpretty.