Today I realised my external reality has finally become 100% congruent with my internal reality.
It came to me like this...
I've written and submitted a book of quotes called Little Peaces to three publishers. Two here and one in the US.
After I sent the last one I suddenly thought What now?! It seemed that 17 years of writing and processing my mind had come to a head.
To this point.
Knowing it could take months for any of the publishers to even get back to me, let alone accept the manuscript, I didn't know how I felt about being on hold so I went and had a shower to think about it. While I was listening to my Next Phase playlist, I was reviewing what the publishers might see if they were to Google my name or look through this site.
It was then I had an overwhelming insight that what they would see, what anyone is now seeing, is who I am, sharing what I've always been. Any of the content on this site gives background and context to the quotes in that book. And this content is often generated through my journals. In other words - I am 100%, across all mediums, in all communications, and most of all, in my head, how I see myself and who I've always wanted to be.
I no longer need to 'cleanse' my history for work because my history has become my work.
I don't need to hide my skin because it's now my uniform.
I can openly talk about my previous addictions and mental illness because overcoming them has become my skillset. And I won't edit my language to a more socially palatable, shallower level anymore because my words are my trade. There are no secrets and no delusions. Every single day, all I do is openly process and share my past in order to help others in the future.
After writing for the day I watched a few TED talks.
I saw that one of my favourite speakers, Andrew Solomon had a new talk and, as usual, I was struck by how relevant it was to my current focus. In it he shares his challenges as a child, teenager then man with the shame of being gay. Through self analysis and the love of a good man and later, his children, he has come to love the person he is and admits that if he hadn't been through the adversity, he's not sure he would love any other version of himself as much. His key message is to "forge meaning and build identity".
If this is my job, then these have become my milestones. It took over 17 years of writing to forge meaning and submitting the manuscript is the first step of building identity.
Pimp My Attitude
This is where I think out loud as I transform my appearance, thought processes and most of all, attitude - no matter how unpretty.