I've moved from the easiness of living in a caravan behind my parents in my hometown of New Plymouth, and coasting on the savings from my last two film jobs, to an exquisite but expensive room in Auckland with a borrowed car and, I've realised, fast running out borrowed time till my savings vanish.
Even though I have a longer term film contract starting here in January, I know I need to find some inbetween work so I've been applying for anything that interests me. 3 temping agencies, a talent agency and a modeling agency.
But here's the thing...
After the initial high of adapting and settling in to a rampantly fascinating new environment, I came down.
Only the talent agency got back to me, I had an interview with them, then I chickened out of going any further.
I could feel my confidence retreating. Not wanting to go out and blaming the weather. Not wanting to chase up the applications and blaming inexperience. The only thing it's wanted to do is cut all my hair off, blaming boredom and restlessness.
I've been watching and listening to all the right people - Gabrielle Bernstein, Brene Brown etc and keeping up with exercise but feeling stuck. Here I am again. Busy every day doing nothing.
Then today I had one of those 'nothing fits or looks right' mornings.
I've been blessed with a filter that can only see the good in my body, no matter how many excess ripples or rolls but even I had to acknowledge that no agency would hire me if I didn't tone up a bit.
I'm going soft.
I am also, however, blessed with the ability to keep plugging on until I do feel right. Until I do get a breakthrough. Even if it's just small and personal.
So after my fifth outfit change, in desperation to break out the confines of my wardrobes stifling box, I went to change my flat practical shoes for the outrageous stiletto boots.
Two things happened.
First I saw that I now had calluses on the balls of my feet from last week when I wore my next highest boots to the interview with the talent agency. I'd developed crippling blisters so that it was either hobble or clench my teeth while walking home. And I could not bring myself to hobble!
Next, I was actually able to walk in the stilettos!
This won't sound like much to you (and probably don't look that high either) but I've been buying cheap stiletto's for years just to wear around home and practise, determined to one day walk effortlessly on the pinpoint heels. And after 20 years, today was the day! It was magic. Like when you learn to drive or type and suddenly your brain switches off and lets muscle memory do its thing.
So what my feet taught me was that, despite seeing myself as soft, I do have the ability to do serious work, to grit my teeth through the inevitable pain and that, in fact, without that pain, I wouldn't get the calluses I needed to toughen me up and carry me to the next level. And, yet again, to have faith. To switch my brain off and let my body take over. It knows what's expected of it. It will perform when it's required but it will never get the chance if my brain keeps micro-managing every potential opportunity.
As always, I'm not sure what new doors these breakthroughs will open but I'm now ready to knock on a few more to find out....
Pimp My Attitude
This is where I think out loud as I transform my appearance, thought processes and most of all, attitude - no matter how unpretty.