This is me trying to work out what to write to you. How to explain how I got to this point without reeking of drama.
There's nothing more devoid of anything than bullet points, so I'll start there...
(This playlist is what I'm listening to, just in case you want to play it as you read...)
I rang to find out why my benefit hadn't been paid. The person who fixed up the short payment didn't tell me the extra amount was actually this weeks benefit payment and I had spent it on food and bathroom and cleaning groceries that I had run out of. I tried to keep my shit together but just couldn't stop sobbing. I then had to ring the bank to beg them to give me 24 hours to find the money for the overdraft. That's when I took the pics above.
I don't know what to do.
I don't know who to go to.
I've discovered that it might be admirable to cheerfully manage existing but the reality is it's always only 24 hours from being homeless.
But here's where the good stuff kicks in...
It took me 10 years to overcome depression and many other addictions.
If I was going to get depression again, it would have been over the last 9 months so I take comfort and credit that it is possible to overcome depression fully. Of course I've had down days, like today, but each time my self-training kicks in and I allow myself a good sob, make a cuppa and move toward any crack of light I can perceive. Todays light was a Duty Manager role at a hotel and more hours at my voluntary job and I have another role as a Trainer to apply for at the end of the week. And the Good News Network always helps me put my life into perspective not to mention the kindness and support of my adoring family and few close friends.
But all of this is just to give you a (very uncreative or poetic) background because what I really want to do is write and speak.
I wrote this to dip my toe in. It was received well. But I haven't known what to do since then, so just to start something, anything, I'm going to try to document my climb out of Ground Zero...
Pimp My Attitude
This is where I think out loud as I transform my appearance, thought processes and most of all, attitude - no matter how unpretty.