A few weeks ago I made a declaration in my journal that I was ready to speak and demanded that the Universe start throwing things at me. Later that night I was thinking about my step-fathers 70th coming up and suddenly drew in a sharp breath of fear and said out loud - "Oh no! Don't make me do a speech!!"
What the what?!
Hadn't I just signed up for that very thing?
Luckily, because I'm my own therapist, I was able to see the contradiction in only a few hours and nervously but happily went on to say a well received speech the next weekend.
This afternoon I went to see a dear friend I hadn't seen for many years and we talked non-stop for 3 hours. The last time we hung out 18-20 years ago I was still at my worst so I was able to give the short version of the progress I'd made then finished by relating the last post. Of course she was supportive and I left feeling heard and optimistic again.
As I was driving home I ran the conversations from the past week over in my head and realised, again, that I had been giving mixed messages and straight out contradicting myself.
PMA post 2 days ago..."...but I still hadn't felt worthy of commenting" (saying I don't comment)
PMA post today... "I just can't understand why the words I share appear to go into a black hole..." (saying I do comment but no-one notices)
An online mental health organisation to me... "I've seen 2 of your comments on the page, and you seem to know your stuff, do you think you would be interested in volunteering for us?" (someone noticing and giving wonderful feedback and asking if I want to be more involved)
The same online organisation a few weeks later..."You've given the right advice! You know exactly what to say and how to help! ...would you be interested in having a chat?" (someone else noticing and giving more wonderful feedback and asking to chat more)
My responses back to the organisation..."Thanks so much to for being so inclusive and asking me a few times to chat and even become more involved...as much as I would love to chat, I know myself well enough not to at this stage. I'll just keep commenting occasionally if that's OK with you all" (shutting down any communication)
It couldn't be clearer. I'm giving mixed messages everywhere I go - it's no wonder I go no steps forward and a few steps back.
How often do we do this with our most aching desires? Pining to be on stage yet sabotaging every free back stage pass?
When I was depressed I would have closed my curtains in shame, crawled into my duvet and these conversations would have been my new favourite Failure playlist to drown in.
Tonight though, I'll go to bed feeling satisfied that I've taken notice, hopefully learnt and keen to exercise this new understanding of giving clear messages.
As I was writing that last paragraph, the darling friend I visited sent me this poignant message just now...
"It was so lovely to catch up today, you were and are still one of the most amazing souls I have ever meet. You're a breath of fresh air to talk with and I'm blessed you're in my life. I think back to how you virtually saved my life, they were some dark days for me 😞 But bad times make you stronger and I'm thankful for my life today. Thank you for your visit, it makes me feel humble. You're a strong stunning women, and when I hear stories of struggle or hardship, it not only gives me strength and hope but also courage xxxxx"
When I read that, through tears of gratitude, I heard the Universe saying, Don't give up on those dreams to help others just yet...
Pimp My Attitude
This is where I think out loud as I transform my appearance, thought processes and most of all, attitude - no matter how unpretty.