Documentary or Based on True Story are my go to genres lately. In that order.
Music isn't really featuring that much but what I've started calling Motivids continue to have the most influence on my progress I think I've ever had from one source.
Every time I start doubting myself, I'll put on an hour long track and feel it reinfuse me with belief. I'm even starting to know whole portions of speeches so when I talk along with them, I feel the power at an even more visceral level. I've told you before how I have trouble projecting my voice but I've been feeling stirings of these strong words coming up through my chest like a volcano.
It wasn't an oozing golden stream of strength that came out today when I yelled at my SonofaNPD father though. It was sharp, heavy rocks and black, claustrophobic ash. It was dramatic. But it was real. And it was newly articulate as I heard myself speak in the voices I'd been programming myself with. As I hung up on him I realised straight away that it was the closest I'd had to my throat opening up fully so even though I was deeply upset, I felt euphoric too. In fact, both experiences made me feel out of sorts but I told my self, in my new motivid voice, to get comfortable with the discomfort. Which I did almost as soon as it came out of where those pieces of advice come from.
Later in the afternoon Father rang back and even though my not-so-grown-up was tempted to reject his call, I felt calmer so picked up. He was ringing to find out if I'd asked my cousin to make the stuffing for all the meat he and his friends had arranged for my 50th birthday party in a few weeks.
As if nothing had happened.
I'd forgotten this part about him.
Not the generosity. Focusing entirely on that is the only way I can be in an ongoing relationship with him.
I'd forgotten his ability to forgive.
One of the beautiful anomalies about someone with NPD is that they don't have the gene that allows them to see when they're wrong. It doesn't even occur to them that they could ever be wrong so forgiveness is easy for them. They're also devoid of empathy, so their version of forgiveness is the closest thing to empathy they have to give.
So here's the Based on True Story reveal...
It took getting furious with the one person who would forgive me, to finally unshackle my voice.
I also found out this afternoon that genuine moving-right-along forgiveness is the ultimate proof of non-judgement and acceptance. And it was only when the fresh air of my fathers forgiveness floated through that I felt the holes lack of them had created.
Pimp My Attitude
This is where I think out loud as I transform my appearance, thought processes and most of all, attitude - no matter how unpretty.