The first leg of Destination Home. I've been in Kaikoura, Mt Cook/Aoraki and Clyde & Cromwell for 4 weeks. It's been another thrilling film adventure with lots of highlights. I swear I'm the luckiest person I know!
"Thousands of people have come through times of feeling suicidal and survived. We need to listen to what worked for them and why," Mr Robinson says.
This is what I've been wanting to do for years. Talk to those who've survived and thrived and work out the common denominators so they can be shared. I'm sorry if this is all you're hearing from me but not sorry. There's a sense of urgency and I'm feeling relentless...
My #tinyhouse or #tinywhare.
Most would see it as cluttered but every single thing around me either has a use or a memory. That's why I've been dragging it all around the country for the last 20 years. I just love my whare, mahi (work), waka (vehicle) and especially the people I'm surrounded by.
This morning in the shower I caught myself saying out loud "I could not be happier!" then realised how limiting that statement is when you break it down.
So I'll try out "I'm sososo happy and content that anything else from here on in is Icing" and see how that goes...
This is another novella in three parts so you may want to stock up on food supplies before you start
Last week my bestbossever got all excited and said he had something for me. He ran downstairs to his car and came back with this wristband, the third of three he'd been given by his dear friend Mike. With a very rare, serious face, he then 'presented' it to me, telling me that a responsibility came with wearing it and that he would forward The Contract to me. When I read the text, I couldn't put it on fast enough.
It goes like this...
I AM HOPE "I Am Hope" is not a fashion accessory (although they are very fashionable 😂👍) "I Am Hope" is a commitment to Hope.
If you are wearing one you are telling the world that you are a safe person to talk to without fear of shame or reprisal. "I Am Hope" is a responsibility.
Not a responsibility to solve someone's problems nor a responsibility to take on that persons problems. "I Am Hope" is a responsibility to listen without judgement. To listen with empathy and perhaps guide them to find the help they may need - if you can.
The Key to Life is Hope! Be that HOPE
I AM HOPE MANTRA
I will not judge
I will not shame
I will not rant
I will not blame
I will not gossip
I AM HOPE
I've got your back"
Last night, at our factory opening, I got to meet #mikeking, Mr I Am Hope himself. I don't know if it was because Mike saw my wristband or because of the speech it took a lifetime of courage to make, but afterwards, with that same glint in his eye as my boss, said he had something for me and pulled out a bag of 100 I Am Hope wristbands! It took everything I had to contain the tsunami inside me as I clutched that bag to my heart. I immediately understood that this man, who is constantly travelling around our country with the @key2life Trust, giving Hope to thousands and thousands of people around mental health challenges and suicide, could see I-don't-know-what-yet but I've never felt so ready for whatever that ends up being.
Then in the next breath he said "And I'll send you another bag of the woman's size"...
Today I was having brunch with a friend who was at the event last night and who heard my speech. Out of the blue they started sharing the toughest time in their life and I swear I levitated with surrealness. I held back tears as I realised this was my first I Am Hope moment and I was there for them more than I've ever been anywhere for anyone before ❤
From the age of 1, the only attention I ever got was negative. First, from the age of 1, the looks of disgust at the sores all over me, then, from the age of 10, of distaste when they found out my father was a 'gang member'. Because of these mirrors, I had such a distorted view of myself that for many years all I could see was the Elephant Woman. It was icky and sticky but I waded through that #dismorphia as well as the inevitable #addictions and #suicidaldepression to transform into who I am today.
The night before the event my mind was able to see what I could look like and hear what I could say but the scars of my childhood begged me not to draw attention to myself.
Then came a revelation. I may be hope to others now but I Am also Hope to myself. With the Mantra in my mind I reminded myself that it's no longer about me. It was about being an example to my children, who would be watching me and who knew the courage it took for me to get on that stage. It was about anyone in the audience who had suffered or knew someone who was suffering. It was about planting seeds.
Ultimately, it wasn't about being me, it was about being Hope. And the response was overwhelming. My tender exposed self literally ran from that stage into the nearest empty room as the audience was clapping, what sounded to me, deafeningly. When attention was moved on and I slunk back out, the first smile I saw was the MCs as she quietly told me I'd done well but the look in her eyes was so purposeful. Like she was checking to see I really got it. It was that moment that I thought, if this is Hope, I want to be more of it.
So, if you think you can take on this responsibility, there's not a moment to lose. No matter where you are in the world, I want you to private message me your name and address and I'll send you a few wristbands and personalised copies of the contract in calligraphy so you and yours can be Hope too... #hopeisonitsway
I've written so much about overcoming difficulties but I never thought I'd be writing about overcoming dreams. I had a revelation once when a filter in my brain suddenly cleared and I could now see that all those Delusions of Grandeur that made me feel bad for wanting, anything, were actually Dreams of Greatness.
But in the past few days, after two years of believing and manifesting the shit out of owning a Disco, and for all the most meaningful reasons, I've had to let go of that dream.
Strangely, though I'm sad to let go of the Disco, I'm more sad to let go of the dream. Another one. And for the same reason as always. #Champagnedreamsontapwaterreality.
So the dilemma is, do I give up dreaming? Or am I being taught patience? I've only ever known #instantgrats. Is this what #thelonggame feels like?
Tonight, as I stream jumped my way home in torrential rain, I hesitated next to a gate and there was an immaculate Disco sneakily tucked in behind it. My heart lunged for it and maybe it was the shelter of rain that made me feel wtf or maybe it was the Disco itself but I turned to it, pointed dramatically and said out loud
I JUST CAN'T LET YOU GO!
GRATEFULNESS: At least I have this brush and shovel and these gorgeous floors to sweep.
FAITH: Knowing I won't always be this poor.
APPRECIATION: A broom, when I can afford it, will be a bonus. A vacuum cleaner, total luxury.
SATISFACTION: Of that last repayment next month back to my darling family who just happened to have the money to lend me at the time, but need it just as much as me.
ANTICIPATION: Paying back the generosity of all those who've insisted on, and paid for, treats.
EMPATHY: Having a visceral understanding of what No Money means.
SELF WORTH: Knowing this isn't who I am, that it's temporary and for all the right reasons.
HUMILITY: Finding out that all those who I thought cared about me, care about me more than I thought...
My old friend Nic once described me as the most 'innocent, switched on' person he knew. I didn't know how I should take that at the time but I knew what he meant. Some things I'm all over in seconds but man I can be slow sometimes!
Here's two examples. My son was able to explain humidity so I actually got it today and I've finally learnt the difference between carbs and protein!
So I wish I could say the change in my body since the last time you saw it was from working out because that would make it sound like I have discipline. But I don't. The change is purely from eating mostly protein for the past month. And the three revelations I've had about protein is that it's cheap, I can eat tonnes of it and I never feel peckish in between meals.
Where did I learn this? Here on Insta, obsessively following all the mind-blowing #weightloss pages. Not because I need to lose weight but because I'm so inspired by all the courageous people who DO have discipline. They're making me want to step up and put in some effort so I can feel some training at our apartments gym coming on (others may or may not call it the stairwell)...
One of the dilemmas that those of us who've overcome anything are inevitably faced with is relapse.
After this recent transition to my new apartment and the super human effort to move my furniture, I hit a wall. I expected to be physically drained but I wasn't prepared for the claustrophobic blanket of depression that engulfed me for almost two weeks.
Luckily I'd been through it three times before so I kept reminding myself that it wasn't normal, that it was an indicator only (that I was exhausted) and not a precursor (to getting depression again) and that it was my minds way of telling me I needed to chill the F.O!
Which I did.
Much like a physically driven person who sprains something when their body needs rest, I just rested up, ate well and didn't put any pressure on myself until I could feel it lifting.
Here's the thing though...do you tell people? You're supposed to be The Mighty Transformed. How's it going to sound and be interpreted if you admit to relapse or even just weakness?
What's always worked for me is honesty. I told my nearests and dearests and of course they were worried, but then they got to be part of the happy relief when I came out the other side, rewarding all of our faith in my ability to heal.
Even though I haven't thought of myself as a #depressionsufferer for around 10 years, I know I have a propensity towards it in extreme cases of stress and because of this, I deeply respect and appreciate it because if it comes over me, I know it's drawing attention to something important to do with my mental wellbeing and I will always, always take notice... #overcomingdepression
Pimp My Attitude
You need to know, right now, this is all about me. I'm not educated. I don't have any (non-driving related) qualifications therefore, I'm not about to tell you what you should do - I know my place.
And here you are.
At my place.
So - welcome.
If you're here for 10 seconds, I won't even know so I won't be offended that you left early.
If you're here for hours and keep coming back, I will consider you a friend because the only thing my diverse yet loyal friends have in common, and what I appreciate most about them, is that they just keep coming back..